I don’t know about you, but I am getting really tired of the lack of social reciprocity that seems to be growing in our society. To put that more succinctly, I am tired of being talked at. An example of this was when I recently bumped into a neighbor while walking my dog, Fix. I had no idea what I was getting into when I asked the innocent question,” What’s up neighbor?” It was a good 20 minutes before I could extradite myself. This one simple question set my neighbor off into a breathless, non sentence breaking bout of what I grossly call verbal diarrhea. People with this oral issue go into the most mundane details about people you don’t know or care about. In this case, it was minute details of her second cousin’s daughter’s baby shower. I kept waiting for her to come up for air so I could make my break or at least change the subject. In the meantime I was left with the obligatory smiling and nodding. I tried to back up and out, but with each step backwards, she took a step forward. It feels like I am finding myself in this situation more and more. Maybe I am just more conscious of it or my tolerance is beginning to wear thin. Through discussions I have had with friends and colleagues, along with a couple of articles I have read recently, I don’t think it is my imagination that narcissism is on the rise in our society. Those of us who regularly participate in unbalanced conversations have probably received subtle feedback to either quiet down or verbally step up. When we are a little dense in receiving a message sometimes we need someone to throw a “brick” at us in order to break through the defenses that hold us back from hearing the important message intended.
For all intensive purposes narcissism is basically a fascination with oneself at the cost of being able to “see” other people. While not all narcissists are chatty, most people who talk over others on a regular basis are self absorbed. My neighbor was so enamored by all of the attention she was getting while listening to herself talk, she couldn’t see the strained politeness in my face or my exiting body language. When attempting to converse with a narcissist you get a good sense that they are completely unaware of you beyond being a sounding board. Some don’t ask questions; those that do don’t normally listen or stick around for the answer. It’s amazing how they have to run as soon as it is your turn in the conversation.
What can be conflicting is that many narcissistic people can be very dynamic and competent. While it is hard to have a true conversation with a narcissist, we sometimes enjoy being in their presence. In order to love themselves, many are very invested in the image they show to others. In the work place many narcissists do well at climbing the corporate ladder. Narcissistic women can end up being the pinnacle of social society. Many are involved with volunteerism. The problem is that when doing for others, their primary focus is on the statement they are making about themselves.
While every human has some moments or low levels of narcissism, you know you are dealing with someone with more intense issues when you discover they lack the ability to admit shortcomings. Truly narcissistic people are unable to tolerate any negative view of themselves. They do no wrong. When confronted with a fault, narcissists use magical thinking to twist reality so that their grand view of themselves comes out in tact. When you tell a narcissist that he somehow hurt you, he will rebut with his view that you are the one with the issue of being too sensitive. If pressed on the issue they can turn extremely nasty by either being overtly aggressive or cutting off their seeming affection towards you. Ultimately a narcissist’s strong reactions towards criticism lie in their most basic need to avoid shame. Shame is the emotion that breeds narcissism and is what this strong self defense mechanism is protecting the narcissist against
Another reason narcissistic people are never apologetic is because they have no empathy for others. Empathy is the ability to see another person’s view and attempt to put oneself in another person’s shoes. A narcissist’s world doesn’t go beyond their own view point. Ultimately, narcissism is an emotionally stunted condition. Dealing with a narcissist is like dealing with a five year old. The brain is just not able to wrap around the concept of a world outside of their own head.
Since narcissists are shame laden, underneath their puffed up persona is a very low self esteem. Even though they can be competent and dynamic, they can become easily jealous of others and hence highly competitive. On the job this can be a coworker who sabotages you behind your back, or asks questions to undercut your authority after you give a presentation. I once gave a neighbor some potato salad I had made. A few days later I got a casserole dish of their more “authentic” recipe. If you build a new deck next door to a narcissistic neighbor, he will build one slightly bigger and better soon after.
While narcissists in our public arena can run the gamut of admirable and dynamic to frustrating and annoying, having a narcissist as a parent, spouse or partner is a whole different story. Since most narcissists are aware of their image in public, only those that are closest truly feel the brunt of their self focus. Since a narcissist’s self esteem void can never be filled those who love them never come out feeling like they are enough. Although the child is supposed to be the one nurtured, there is instead the twisted expectation that they should take care of the parent. Some narcissistic parents show no interest in their children at all. Since there is no ability for empathy, the child of a narcissist is never validated. And since the needs of a narcissist are always primary, a child is made to feel shamed and guilty for any real personal needs. No matter how hard a child tries, they are never truly seen. They spend their lives chasing the illusion of love, rather than being able to recognize the genuine article.
Those that are raised by narcissists are conditioned to believe that their viewpoints are uninteresting, unimportant or wrong. Many times an expression that goes against a narcissistic parent’s view point is met with shame and intoleration. Hence, these children learn to keep their mouths shut. They learn that their role is to listen not be listened to. These children grow into the adults who many times pair up with self absorbed friends and spouses. Their listening ear makes the perfect match for their friend who prefers to talk. For those that remain quiet, the idea of asserting oneself is actually very uncomfortable. They feel undeserving and guilty at the thought of allowing the spotlight to shine on them momentarily.
A flip side to the people pleasing child is the child who in turn becomes self absorbed. Some children role model after their parents and take on similar self focus. They aren’t able to tolerate the shame felt and also become narcissistically defensive. Narcissism can breed narcissism.
While there are indeed people who understand the idea of reciprocity in conversation, I am finding that more and more people are falling into the categories of either talkers or listeners. There are those who are a bit too self absorbed and others who are a bit too self effacing. While a narcissistic person is more dominant, I feel strongly that both are equally responsible for this conversational dynamic being out of balance.
Most of us who talk too much aren’t fully personality disordered to the point that change is not possible. If you see yourself in this article, just take time to self inventory. Many of you may have received some gentle comments or teasing from those closest to you about your difficulty with not talking. Think about whether there have been people around you that have attempted to restrain your gift for gab. While these interventions may have come across lightly or humorously, let me now throw you the same message in a loving yet stronger “brick” form, “Stop and be quiet. I know you feel as though your gift for gab is inherent and uncontrollable, but it isn’t. You have the choice to be quiet and listen. If there are two people in the conversation, you should only take up 50% of the space…and that doesn’t mean that you can steal part of their 50% under the guise of giving advice or showing concern by talking about your own situations that feel similar. Giving 50% means you are listening 50% of the time. If you are at a dinner party and there are 4 people at the table, you should be talking a quarter of the time and listening the rest. This gives everyone their share of the evening. If you come away from a conversation without a good chunk of new information about the other person and what is going in their mind and world, you talked too much.”
Now those of you self effacing listeners who may be chuckling like a kid watching their sibling get into trouble, I have a “brick” with your name on it as well. As with your counterpart, I throw it with love and the best of intention. Here it comes, “Unless you can come up with strong evidence that you are indeed less interesting than the general population, get a grip on that self esteem and get into the game. Recognize that you have been conditioned to think you are uninteresting. And like coming out of a cult, it is time to get deprogrammed. If you watch TV, are awake to current events, follow sports, have a hobby, travel, work, have kids, read books or go to movies, you then have things in common with everyone else and have something to say. It is time to start sharing. If the people you hang out with shut you down when you express yourself, it is time to find new friends. If you really don’t find yourself interesting, you have the choice to wake up and start living a life that is more so.”
Know that while I toss these bricks to you, I have some healing indentations in the back of my own head. I have had to take my own responsibility for conversational imbalances. Since I have become fully enlightened to the basic premise that conversation is actually a two way street, I find true conversational reciprocity incredibly refreshing. People who have the ability to care and be cared for are the people we are looking for in order to have healthy relationships. In regards to my neighbor who could use a dose of conversational Kaopectate; while I respect where her chattiness comes from, and know that she is sweet person, I do not feel any obligation to her. Next time I see her; I will take Fix down a different block or let her know I am rushing home to get ready for a client. I will smile, wave and respectfully send my salutations, but will ultimately pass her by. I have other neighbors on my block that are waiting for me with a cool cocktail and, while not always high minded, definitely high quality conversation.