If you’ve ever sung into your hair brush, “I think I love you; So what are you so afraid of? I’m afraid that I’m sure of; A love there is no cure for…” you might have been a fan of my favorite, childhood, family band, The Partridge Family. I was obsessed. My life sized poster of David Cassidy was mounted on my wall, above my shrine like stack of records. The first entry in my first journal was the simple declaration, “Some day I will marry David Cassidy.” Who knew that in real life, David Cassidy was suffering from severe anxiety; Danny Bonaduce was being abused by his father; and Susan Dey had anorexia? Members of The Partridge Family Fan Club were obsessed with the fantasy family, not the reality of actual people. This is the case with any fan club. The tighter the grip on the need for fantasy; the greater the denial of the reality. It was the more fanatical fans of Clay Aiken that were actually surprised (some to the point of tears) when he came out as gay. There is a Michael Jackson Fan Club. They were probably the ones waving the signs of support when he exited the court house when facing pedophile charges. Now dead, it is even easier to forget the full breadth of his life. Every club has its rules. In a fan club, the main rule is to worship the ideal, while turning a blind eye to the reality of the celebrity. If any member of the club started shouting, “Clay Aiken is gay! Michael Jackson diddles kids! David Cassidy isn’t that cute!” the fan pack would rip up their membership card and throw them out in defensive outrage. If you are in any club, you must follow the rules of the club in order to remain a member. This is true regarding family clubs as well. Every family runs similarly to a club. There is a power hierarchy, and a set of unspoken rules every member learns as they grow up. Some family clubs have a pretty realistic idea of themselves, and are open to feedback. Healthy families can handle constructive criticism, dissenting views, and have a more democratic view of the power structure. Unhealthy families usually are not reality based. They hold onto deep fantasies regarding its membership, and are extremely rigid about the hierarchy. Any member who attempts to challenge the absolutism of the family’s belief system are bullied back into submission, or ejected out. This is the dynamic behind what I believe to be the most taboo topic in our society; family estrangement.
Despite almost two decades of experience as a clinical social worker, I was never faced with the issue of estrangement until a few years ago. Prior to that I thought sexual abuse was our society’s biggest taboo topic. That was before I attempted to find a book on estrangement, and could only find one. When I thought about estrangement I thought of the brother of my ex-boyfriend, who abandoned his family despite his mother having brain damage. Considering how crazy my boyfriend and his father ended up being, I didn’t begrudge him. But it did seem incredibly extreme; as extreme as all Black Sheep appear to be. The Black Sheep of the family is supposed to be an angry rebel, possibly addicted, or aloof to the point of eccentricity. There is always the impression that the Black Sheep is a bad person, and slightly mentally ill. What I didn’t realize over the years is that in actuality the Black Sheep is a mystery. Families with an estranged member really don’t talk about them with any clarity or frequency. It’s almost as if the person has melted off the radar, with only a mild residual trail left behind. It is our society that has put the negative mental impression on we regard as abandonment. I use the term mental impression, because really, estrangement isn’t discussed by anyone.
Walking away from your father, siblings and most of all a mother is thought to be an incredibly unnatural, selfish and sinful act. One of the Ten Commandments is “Honor thy mother and father.” Estranging yourself from your family seems to go against God. We feel that no matter what mistakes a parent makes, there is a love so deeply rooted in a mother’s or father’s heart, that walking away from them would cause a mortal wounding. We know that a parent never fully recovers from the death of a child. Estranging oneself from a parent feels similar to voluntarily and consciously inflicting this life altering wound. No matter what mistakes are made, we feel there is a purity in a mother’s love that warrants a toleration and forgiveness of all misgivings both past and present. To do otherwise, feels as if we go against the greatest law of nature.
Then a few years ago I found myself in the incredulous process of being shut out of my family. Due to all the impressions that I feel our society holds, it has taken me years to have the courage and vantage needed to share about this life altering experience. It is indeed as unnatural a dynamic as everyone imagines it would be. It goes against everything that we humans comprehend intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. It is a family event that I never would have predicted for myself on any level. I might have imagined it for my sister who held the role of “family rebel.” I could have also imagined it for my brother who had the role of “lost child.” But I was the “perfect child,” the “family mediator,” and my mother’s emotional caregiver. For most of my life I believed my mother was a saint. I worshipped her and felt it was my purpose in life to make her long suffering existence a little easier. These were roles that I not only held within my family, but in my career, and with my friends. Over time these roles were draining the life force out of me. I grew tired of maintaining the unspoken rule of our family, that my mother is infallible and due to her painful childhood she was to be protected from any further pain at any cost, even at sacrifice to ourselves. My parents are incredibly good people. Considering the abuses they both experienced in their childhood, they did a remarkable job in their intention to be good parents. Things were not perfect, but because of my understanding of the larger generational tree of family abuses I forgave.
It was in a present day incident that my toleration for the family rules cracked. I couldn’t stand by passively as I felt incredibly disrespected by my mother. I also couldn’t apologize for upsetting her with my emotional response. Days later I couldn’t handle the idea of not receiving an acknowledgement of feeling hurt, and instead being expected to move on as if nothing had happened. I was breaking every rule of my family club. It was at that point that my mother’s body guards, the rest of my immediate family, showed up. They let me know that I needed to either get back into line and follow the rules, or I wouldn’t be welcome. I did attempt to negotiate new terms for the club, but didn’t advocate too hard. I already knew, through a life full of experiences, that the rules were non-negotiable. I had empathy for where the rules came from, and why they are in place. I also knew, if I was to love myself, I couldn’t live by them anymore. It was in resignation that I allowed the body guards to quietly escort me out. I didn’t fight, curse or argue. My family walked me to the door, escorted me through, and then closed the door behind them. Since they created, oversaw and upheld the family rule book, my parents were not a victim of me. Since I was raised to understand the rules since the day I was born, and made my own choice to not follow them; I was not a victim either.
I can’t imagine that my estrangement won’t be the most painful, yet transformative experience in my life. While I describe the process of the estrangement in simplistic terms, it was anything but. The letters and calls transacted were incredibly painful. There was a profound sense of betrayal. Since the estrangement was nothing I could have ever imagined, there was a deep sense of shock. The most intense feeling was the sense of being spiritually orphaned. Our parents and our family give us our sense of grounding. No matter whether the experience has been good or bad, we are literally rooted in our family soil. The estrangement brought on a feeling of spiritual tearing that was as unnatural a feeling as you can imagine. I felt heart broken. While I am married to an incredible man, I learned that he cannot give me a sense of family rootedness. No matter how much love he gives me, I still felt a sense of being orphaned, and not having a place in the world. Then there was the anxiety of wondering if and when we would be in touch. The first Christmas was pretty horrible. There is the anticipation of possible contact, or cards, on various occasions. Then there is the let down, mixed in with a sense of relief, when it doesn’t come. My human heart wanted them to want me back. However, my spirit let me know that while I could forgive, I would never be able to forget the sense of betrayal. I could never trust that they genuinely love me again. To see them again would bring on a severe level of anxiety. But again, I am not a victim. I completely understand and respect that, from their perspective, after all they have given me, my parents and family also feel a deep level of betrayal and pain. They created a club that they absolutely believe in, and feel the rules to be fair and generous. It is beyond their comprehension that I would not want to follow them, and remain a member. It is in their incredulous disbelief that they perceive I am not mentally well.
Beyond the painful process of acceptance, I also shared that my estrangement was deeply transformative. The foundation of my life has been rebuilt and I have rooted myself into fertile soil. I am alive in my life for the first time. I learned that while my parents feel the deep sense love for me that every parent feels, they don’t truly understand love as a verb. How could they? They received none of it through their own parents. In the moment that I accepted that my parents didn’t actively love me, my investment in the roles of “good child,” “mediator,” and “emotional servant” vanished on the spot. The words “sacrifice” and “obligation” went right out the window. In my learning about the narcissism that is the underlying dynamic rotting out the trunk of our family tree, everything that had transpired became crystal clear. I had always had a deep sense that something just wasn’t right, and I was finally given the answer. With this answer, I internalized all the way down to my very core, that I am loveable, deserving and worthy. With that, the law of attraction shifted in my life on a miraculous level. My life was aligned for the first time. Everything began to work with little effort from me. My infertility issues became resolved, my private practice began to really flow, a loss of inherited land was replaced – all in miraculous speed and ease. Up until my estrangement, I had very little energy. I couldn’t remember a time in my life that I didn’t spend chunks of my weekends sleeping. I had what I can only describe as a vibrational ache equated to a low level of anxiety, yet somehow different. The ache was hard to tolerate and sleeping gave me some relief. I know now that this ache came from my belief that I was not enough to be loveable. My life dynamic was that I gave energy that was rarely reciprocated. All of that vanished. The replacement for all of this has been longer and deeper pockets of joy. I have the energy to live every day. I am alive. My faith in God has been cemented. I am no longer a spiritual orphan. I have planted my roots into God and the universal energy. In this fertile soil, I am thriving and growing at a rate beyond the results of Miracle Grow. Because of this profound sense of alignment and feeling right in my spirit for the first time, I know that I can never return to living life by my family’s rule book.
No matter how profound the results of the separation from my family have been, this is not an article of advocacy for estrangement. I fell into this portal by accident, and the journey has been indescribably extreme. I believe estrangement was meant for me so I can have the crystal clear clarity needed to guide my clients into the same realm of joy that I’ve discovered. If I’ve had to walk the most challenging terrain, then I can guide everyone on every level of path that comes before it. I only advocate estrangement under rare and special circumstances. What I have discovered is that people can experience the same spiritual transformation that I have had, while still remaining card carrying members of their club. When I go to a seminar or meeting that I’m not invested in, I take a seat in the back and covertly do unrelated work in my planner or on my laptop. I’ve known people to sign in at a meeting; sneak out to run errands; return to sign back in after lunch; sneak back out; and then return to pick up their certificate of completion, without any of the seminar organizers being the wiser. The way you become a member by sign in only is to completely internalize the falsity of your family’s fantasies. It is not a process of angry blaming, but a process of understanding the underpinnings of your family’s rule book. You can unplug your energetic investment when you respect that there are deep feelings of love in your family, but not the acts of love that give a person a sense of loveability and worth. This is no fault of anyone’s; only a painful reality of a family’s long ingrained history. The journey of emotional family disengagement isn’t a provocative one; it is a private one. The goal is to slip into the back of the room, or out the door without anyone noticing. Families aren’t hurt by a challenging of their rules, and you gain the same sense of freedom of exiting the stagnant darkness of a windowless ballroom and stepping out into fresh air and sunshine. You get the giddy joy of knowing you are going to play sweet hooky, while no one ever even knows you are gone.
I recently saw a piece on David Cassidy on television. He spent much of his life disengaging from his own fan club, and the fantasies other people believed about him. Through this process he found peace within himself. David is back on stage again, and apparently there are still women throwing their panties at him. They still see him as the teenage sex symbol he once was. No offense to David, but I really don’t see it. He isn’t an icon to be worshipped; he is merely a middle aged man with some talent. But I get the sense he knows it. If I carried a sign into one of his concerts that read, “David Cassidy isn’t all that” I don’t feel he’d be offended. I think he would give me a wink of acknowledgement. But why ruin everyone else’s party? I can have insight and empathy into why some women are still choosing to loose their panties over him. But I also now have an appreciation and respect for those that never want to see the puka shells or patch work painted Partridge Family bus again. While I am no longer a card carrying member of the David Cassidy fan club, I can still listen to “I Think I Love You” and smile in appreciation of the meaning and history of this song to me. I continue to grow in my sense of understanding, forgiveness and gratitude for my own family’s club.
So many might wonder if my membership card to my family’s club will ever be reinstated. All it would take is a simple, “I’m sorry” from me or a “Let’s agree to disagree” from my parents. Such simple words, but ones that would sacrifice my self respect, and that of my parents, too much for either one of us to say what would be required to move on. Coming back into the family fold half way (the only way I’d be comfortable) leaves the impression that I am still not fully on board with the family code. For my parents, who need to hold onto a certain impression of themselves, this is too emotionally uncomfortable for them to tolerate. I understand where their perspective is coming from, and respect the need for it. So we will quietly work through our individual journeys. Due to the experience of casting out a child, or walking away from a parent, being against the grain of nature, it is not discussed when it happens in a family. No matter what my parents feel, I know they don’t discuss me much, due to not wanting people inquiring why they haven’t done more to reengage me. I don’t discuss it out of respect for them, and for the same sense of self protection.
Through sharing my experience with family estrangement it is my intention to shine the light onto this taboo dynamic. I’m sure there are eccentrically aloof, addicted or enraged rebels that have cast off their families. I also know that there are those who have suffered extreme abuse and have also chosen to walk away. However, I believe that there are others out there similar to me and my parents. There are those that have a great difficulty tolerating the self sacrifice needed in order to continue following unhealthy family club rules. I know there are many who have tried to stand up and advocate for change. However, once the pressure to re-conform or the extremely unnatural sense of tearing begins, they relent. They put that “David Cassidy isn’t that cute” sign back underneath the seat and start singing, ”I Think I Love You”. I am glad I have discovered a way to gain freedom while still remaining a family club member, so that I can help people avoid the incredibly challenging journey I have embarked on. However, I also have a new respect for those that, like me, have had to make the unnatural decision to acquiece to ejection or to walk out on our own fruition. While the world may see us as mentally touched, angry, and ungrateful sinners, we know we are good people. We know where we have come from, and understand the only way to find happiness, health and peace is to separate. In doing so, we can find our own way in the world. Love, joy and peace are indeed out there to be found.
Additional Resources:
There were two healing modalities and one concept imperative to my healing. First was learning and understanding the difference between higher conscious love and what I call tomato maturation. Tomato maturation is my metaphor for the discussion of universal narcissism. If you are ready to gain the freedom I refer to in my article, you might considering following my blog. I hope you’ll start right at the trailhead. Take each milepost slowly and with great consideration. At minimum, I hope you will look at the entries on Higher Conscious Love starting at Milepost 20.5 and about Tomato Maturation starting at Milepost 200 A Guide Into the Discovery of Your Strength.
I don’t know where I would be on my trail without two forms of deeper healing. The trauma and separation you may be experiencing exists not only in your mind, but through out your body and spirit. Cognitive support will not be enough for deep healing and if it is, it will take you twice, if not three times as long (consider that in years). I highly recommend EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and Body Talk. You may find one of these you prefer. I used EMDR for handling the initial trauma, and Body Talk for periodic/ongoing settling. Estrangement is an ongoing journey through which there are many layers of separating and peace.
I also recommend the book Healing From Family Rifts: Ten Steps to Finding Peace After Being Cut Off From a Family Member, by Mark Sichel. It was hugely validating during my own estrangment.
Know I am here as well. I offer both face to face, and distance therapy. Additionally I am certified in EMDR. If you are in comfortable driving distance to the Triangle area of North Carolina, I recommend Carol Stanton and Holly Steflik for Body Talk in Chapel Hill.