I sometimes wonder how odd it is that we use the number of years a couple has been married as evidence of a successful relationship. When hearing about couples who pass their 40th and later 50th anniversary milestones we hear people inquire, “What is the secret to your successful marriage?” This question never sits well with me. Just because a couple has been together decades, why does it mean it’s a success? Aren’t there a lot of people who stay in comfortable coexistence with their partners? Just because a couple has been together for years, doesn’t mean there hasn’t been an abusive or unhealthy dynamic going on the entire time. Maybe financial or self esteem issues have held someone back from leaving. I feel the question that more accurately assesses success is, “How have you both grown over the years through your relationship?” No matter whether you have been dating for three months or have been together fifty years, this is a good question to gauge whether you are conscious in your relationship or are on autopilot. Only by being conscious, and nurturing our relationship daily, can we truly thrive and grow through them. I believe a truly successful marriage (legal or spiritual) is one in which genuine love between the two creates the level of safety needed for each individual to grow within themselves and have the courage to explore the world outside.
On auto pilot we just assume that we love our partner and they love us. A belief that love is a feeling of warm affection allows us to take our relationship for granted and gives us permission to get lost in our own lives. In the meantime our relationship is supposedly being maintained by this nebulous love. There are indeed relationships that can last for years on an unspoken agreement that each can live their own separate lives under the same roof and still be a couple. As long as they are in the same room watching TV at night and show up at church and family functions together, they are married. It is an unconscious relationship, and it works for some. But most times when we are off living separate lives, someone wakes up wondering who they are married to and the relationship becomes irretrievable. Other unconscious relationships are filled with conflict and resentments, as childhood buttons get pressed over and over until someone finally decides they have had enough.
By remaining conscious within our relationship and giving it consistent care, this bond becomes our safest place. A safe place is one where we feel seen, nurtured and fully accepted. No matter what happens during the day, we can come home to open arms and place to seek solace. Within our relationship we know we are genuinely loved. Beyond this safe place, with daily care, couples can keep a hold of one another even in the toughest or most hectic of times. Many of the goals that I use to guide my own relationship aren’t new. Although simple, I have to be incredibly mindful in my intention to be consistent with them.
- Make your marriage your priority. While you have to love yourself first, your relationship should be a close second (or third if God is also a priority). While we must respect the demands of work, children and other life stressors, we must let our spouse know through our actions that the marriage is our priority. We can’t feel safe with one another, if we don’t believe we are more important than a Blackberry.
- Spend time together talking every day. I feel 30 minutes at minimum is a good bench mark. In the busiest of times this might feel like a business meeting. Checking in with how each person’s day was. Any issues? Who needs to take care of what? This actually saves time and energy preventing resentments and arguments that come due to a lack of communication. Keeping a daily pulse on each other and the relationship helps us have the background needed when deeper support is called on. Unless we are in a new relationship, this time doesn’t get carved out naturally. We must make it routine. We cannot use kids as an excuse – period. If our relationship is truly our priority, dedicating 30 minutes a day to it shouldn’t be an issue.
- Have pockets of time doing things together. This can be time alone with one another, or doing things together with the kids. If you don’t share common interests such as gardening or time is tight, these pockets might also need to be scheduled. If your partner has a differing passion, take some time being in it with them every once in awhile. Watching half of a ball game, going to the theater, attending church or riding in the golf cart periodically let’s your partner know that you are really supportive and interested. This is a gift of love.
- Accept your partner for who they are. While I don’t believe that we should accept all behavior unconditionally, I do believe that when we marry we are committing to accept the person we have chosen as such. While we can grow into better versions of ourselves through our relationship, we do not become different people. Changes that are made come from within, not from pressure and controlling from our partner. If there are characteristics about your partner that you are resentful of, it is your issue to deal with, not theirs. When we feel unconditionally loved by our partner, we gain confidence that we are loveable to everyone else.
- Take responsibility for your own buttons and baggage. Each time we get angry or irritated, we must first ask ourselves, “Is this mine or theirs?” In my experience at least 50% of the time it is ours. Another 25% is both and only 25% is it only theirs. If it is a long standing issue of not being treated the way we’d like, that is actually our baggage to figure out not theirs. By taking responsibility we reduce the amount of conflict. If it is our button, it is our responsibility to heal it. When it is both, acknowledging our own reduces defensiveness in our partner and opens up discussion, rather than a stubborn defending of ego territory.
- Never use profanity at or insult your partner – ever. Words can never be taken back or really fully apologized for. A lingering residue always remains and the relationship can never be a safe place if we don’t feel fully respected or even liked. If you use profanity, or an insult, it is always your issue. If you were raised in a home where this was common, it is your responsibility to heal. If you slip up, a deep apology needs to come immediately.
- Apologize when you are wrong. For some reason we feel like we give something up when we apologize. Instead we give an incredible gift of validation to our partners when we do. Make your apology heart felt, specific and with empathy. Don’t forget to recognize the small toes we step on, such as impatient tones or smart comments when we are tired.
- Validate your partner’s feelings. Validate means letting your partner know that they have a right to their feelings and thoughts, even if they are different than our own. Telling your partner that they are crazy, getting angry or shutting them out for feeling or thinking differently than you, is a fast route to an ugly place. When upset, support your partner by letting them know they have every right to feel frustrated, angry, depressed or anxious. Work to put yourself in their shoes, even in an argument. Validation allows our partner to know that we see and accept them, even in moments when it is hard to do so. This is one of the greatest underpinnings to genuine love.
- Show your appreciation at least once a day, every day. The more specific the appreciation the greater the gift. This helps your partner feel seen and valued. There is no greater way to polish each other to a shine. If this is hard to get going consistently, start with an appreciation log. Have a pad of paper where each person writes a statement of appreciation for the other every day. It may seem like homework for the first couple of days, but soon after you both will love it.
- Have at least one good, slow lingering kiss a day. A quick peck coming and going doesn’t count. If someone’s toes don’t curl, it isn’t juicy enough.
Each of these relationship points are incredibly important in creating the safe place needed for our foundation of growth. While none of them are new, in order to follow through on all, we must remain awake. I never like the word “work” in relation to marriage. Consciousness takes vigilance. However, when we are receiving as much as we are giving, balance doesn’t take arduous effort to maintain. Without a safe place, we are mired in the day to day struggle of proving and questioning our own worth. By creating this safety, we then have the security we need in ourselves to explore and grow. If safety can’t be created, our only options are to leave the relationship or to become completely unconscious within it, making emotional and spiritual growth impossible.
Through the genuinely loving eyes of our partner we begin to see our own loveability more clearly. When we are insecure in our value we find ways to soothe our anxieties, such as over eating, watching too much TV, compulsive people pleasing, over working and obsessive cleaning. When we begin to trust our worth through our marriages, we can grow into letting these security blankets go. We can work a little less, we can become calmer and more patient, or we can tolerate being present in the world a little more. We grow through incrementally letting go of our fear and increasing our tolerance to accept the love of our partner. We all hold ourselves back from receiving love on big and small levels. We fear that if we take or give too much, it will hurt all the more when our loved one finally figures out that we aren’t as loveable as they originally thought, and leave us. Through the creation of the ultimate unconditional love we can begin to truly trust that we are loveable and safe. We then, in slow steps, open our hearts to receiving more and more genuine love.
Once we have trust in the genuine love of our partner and greater love within ourselves, we then have and give the foundation for the exploration of dreams. I believe this is also the ultimate sign of a successful relationship and marriage. Beyond the creation of safety we must listen to and encourage the dreams in our partners. Few of us come from backgrounds that empower such thinking. If our partner wants to learn something new, change a career, open a business, travel, learn a hobby, or find passion through advocacy and service, we should be the last person standing in their way. We must be the first to let them know that nothing is an obstacle. When we genuinely love, we never fear our partner will become too big for us, because we grow right along with them. Giving the gift of life’s exploration can only come back to us in the greatest form of gratitude. There is no stronger partnership than the one where each encourages the greatest growth in one another. If time blesses us with the opportunity to recognize a 50th anniversary, we won’t be celebrating the number of years that have passed. Instead people can gather around and share in the incredible journey that has been embarked upon and literal dreams realized through the genuine love that has been created through two people.